I Got to Know Myself and I Like What I See!

Guest Blog from Raymond Hobbs

Greetings folks!

I am a 33-year-old gay male born into a dysfunctional family system fraught with alcoholism.  At 14-years-old I discovered my homosexual orientation and a diagnosis of dyspraxia.  At 22-years-old I was on a path of self-destruction, self-hatred, and internally homophobic.  What could possibly be next?  Trying to gain a better understanding of myself and life, I embarked on a personal journey seeking to find my true self in a sometimes confusing, chaotic, lonely, frightening and sometimes distant family, community and world.  Feel free to come along for the ride, as I share this part of my life's journey with you.

Born and raised in a middle-class suburban community in New Jersey (within close proximity to New York City) I am the youngest child of five older male siblings.  Being reared in a household of devout Methodists who often expressed their disdain and religious intolerance toward homosexuality, and viewed a homosexual orientation as sinful, disordered and dysfunctional, impacted me greatly. 

As a child, my home environment was a confusing, daunting and sometimes scary place which lacked organization, intimacy, cohesiveness and a sense of personal connection. I always sensed that my family didn't function as a "traditional" family, based on my childhood observations and comparisons with my peers.  I knew something was amiss from an early age, which interfered with my ability in initiating friendships.  I was overwhelmed with embarrassment that one day I would need to invite friends to my home, which would create panic.  I can't  let others see how my family functions. How do I explain this mess to others? Due to parental dysfunction rooted in alcoholism, this addiction affected every facet of my and my sibling's lives, and as I would soon discover, this trauma would follow me into adulthood and wreak havoc in future interpersonal relationships.   

I knew something was amiss from an early age, which interfered with my ability in initiating friendships.

I experienced a relatively "normal" childhood, or so I thought, as I was active in youth baseball, swimming and community events offered through my church. At 13-years-old I started developing a strong sexual interest in the opposite sex as my peers and I would indulge in "boy talk" about girls, and often brag about prospective sexual exploits, as you would expect "normal" teens boys to do.  I couldn't be happier that my peers and I were now engaging in social circles with the opposite sex.  Perhaps, this would provide an opportunity for a potential girlfriend.  Awesome! 

Approximately one year after engaging in these male/female social events, I began to feel a sexual attraction and interest in my male peers.  This began as a gradual progression and eventually intensified into a full transition from heterosexuality to homosexuality.  I was overwhelmed with fear, confusion, uncertainty, anxiety and loss, as I was being robbed of my heterosexuality. Why is this happening to me?  How can I possibly share these awkward, sinful, sick and weird feelings with anyone?  Those closest to me wouldn't understand, neither would my peers.  Shit, I don't even understand!  I decided to keep this dreadful condition to myself as I exercised great caution with the outside world in pretending I had female interest.  

I was overwhelmed with fear, confusion, uncertainty, anxiety and loss...

During my high school years, these feelings would often consume most of my mental energy as I was becoming more interested in my male peers.  Damn, that boy is hot!  So is that one, and, yep that one too!  These feelings wouldn't abate as I started experiencing self-hatred.  After scoping out the boys after phys ed class in the locker room, I quietly berated myself with a string of derogatory comments....you freakin' homo, queer, faggot, what the hell is wrong with you scoping out those boys like that?  Talk about being hard on oneself, I was ruthless.   This self-verbal abuse continued into my late teens.

Fast forward to my early twenties when I finally accepted my sexual orientation and gave myself permission not to fear these feelings with the assistance of alcohol.  I believed alcohol would serve as the cure-all as it would numb my pain, soothe some of the unwanted feelings, and make social encounters more manageable.  I soon developed a chronic addiction to alcohol as my life spiraled out of control.  I attempted to stop the addiction without success.  After living with this chronic condition for a few more years, I decided I had enough and sought professional treatment.

I sought a LGBT-affirming therapist who specialized in recovery.  The first step was the most difficult for me as I would need to confront my ugly family history, my self-hatred and the embarrassment relating to my true sexual orientation.  I still had trouble revealing this orientation to others, a member of the LGBT community or not.  I managed to get those words out during my initial intake as I could finally sigh a breath of relief.  Wow!  After a few sessions the therapist and I focused on unhealed childhood trauma and recommended a trauma integrated addiction treatment plan. I complied.  During the course of treatment we addressed my struggle for intimacy, loss of self, fear of abandonment, guilt and shame, and finally validation. All these experiences/feelings were rooted in my dysfunctional family system.   I was attempting to manage my pain with alcohol and repair my unhealed childhood trauma through self-medicating. 

I can finally say that through this experience I got to know myself and I like what I see.  

This therapeutic encounter enlightened and empowered me beyond my expectations. I have now been proud and sober for five-years, and encourage those experiencing similar life events to reach out, you deserve it!

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If you're ready to take the first step on the road to healing, send an email to brenda@borderlandrainbow.org today - Subject Line: I'm ready for therapy! Our therapy is LGBTQ-affirming, trauma-informed care (including EMDR) and available on a sliding scale based on your income.